If You Were to do It All Over Again…

If You Were to do It All Over Again…

What would you do?

How would you do it?

What would you not have done?

What would you have said? Or not said?

Where would you have lived?

Who would you have married? Or not.

Who would you have allied with?

Who would you have not allied with?

So many questions haunt us from our past that it clouds our moment and causes us to fear the future.

In reality, our past is our past. We can do nothing to change it. We are where we are in life because of our past decisions—that’s a given.

You would not (I hope you wouldn’t) yell and scream at a crying child who is lost in your neighborhood. You would take that young child, comfort him, and tell him, “It’s going to be okay. You’re safe now and I’ll help you find your way home.” Then take the action necessary to return the little boy to his home.

Why are you any different?

Instead of beating yourself up over the past and filling your thoughts with the reruns of conversations of what you should’ve said, or the choices made that should’ve been made a different way; take a gentler approach.

Realize that this moment is precious. Tomorrow may or may not come to us.

Speak kinder words to yourself. Stop berating yourself over the past; it’s done. The only thing that can change about the past is how you go about your present.

Being present is harder than it sounds, but much easier once you stop beating yourself up and forgive yourself.

When the thoughts of the past (whether yesterday or yesteryear) grab and try to suffocate today, try this…

Tell yourself, “Yep, I did that. Doesn’t matter now, I’m moving on. And by the way self, I forgive you. Psst…I even love you.”

Those can be hard words to utter if you’ve spent a lifetime being mad at yourself over that decision when you were _____ years old.

But you can do it. I know you can. You can forgive yourself and give to yourself a wonderful gift of being in the present.

Stop right now and look around you. Look at the neat shapes and colors that surround you, right now while reading this article.

Being in the present is like leading that lost little boy home.

Being in the present is living intentional—no longer are you a slave to the past.

Being in the present is freeing and gives you the ability to live a new life; something that the past does NOT want you to do.

There are wonderful opportunities yet to be seized, and a wonderful life to be lived.


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Posted by Christian Martin Jr. in Change, Intentional Living, Life Hack, Purpose, Self, 0 comments
There is Power in Our Words: They Will Feed Us or Starve Us

There is Power in Our Words: They Will Feed Us or Starve Us

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” ~ Proverbs 18:21

Life is a network of decisions; consequences from those decisions; opportunities lost or won; and circumstances that at times are out of our control.

Life…is complicated.

It’s like navigating a 3-dimensional model from within, and there’s no stinking map included.

We build a latticework into our lives, which after some time we look back and discover that we really have grown, moved forward a bit, and even found success.

Even that single large step we took to cross a particularly hard place in life was preceded by many smaller steps.

And although it’s never just one thing, without a doubt, our words play a huge part in how we go about our day. Words we speak (and think) reinforce what we believe about ourselves, and they ultimately set us up emotionally, mentally, and even physically for a more successful day, if not life.

 

Words of Famine

Not long ago, I had a particular way of waking up.

My eyes would flutter open, my stomach churned with acid from the enormous amounts of coffee ingested the day before, my head swirled from not getting enough rest, and from my lips dribbled out in a hoarse whisper…

“Fuck me.”

Then, leaning on an elbow as the world came into focus, my eyes would scan the digits on my alarm clock—safely out of arm’s reach (well…most mornings anyway)—a low groan from deep down and a heavy sigh ushered…

“Ffffffuck.”

By the time my feet hit the carpet, the tone of the day was set. Each morning, it was as if some heinous storm was about to break on me, and I could feel the dark clouds gather near to my horizon.

And most days, I hated myself, loathed my job, felt caged in a relationship, and never satisfied.

Throughout the day, my vernacular was made up mostly of; “Fuck this…or that”, “Oh shit!”, “I can’t…”, “I’ll never…”

And worst of all? — The internal words that bounced around inside me that I never uttered out loud, “I’m too scared” (to change); fear itself seemed to coil around my heart like a serpent around the base of a tree.

 

What do our words do?

“A single word has the power to influence the expression of genes that regulate physical and emotional stress.”

That quote is from the book, Words Can Change Your Brain, by Dr. Andrew Newberg (a neuroscientist) and Mark Waldman (communications expert from Loyola Marymount University).

Their research sheds light on how our words impact our lives.

The words we speak, coupled with the words we hold onto in our heads, can restructure and reprogram the way our brains function…and ultimately, the way we perceive the world around us.

They go onto say…

“And as our research has shown, the longer you concentrate on positive words, the more you begin to affect other areas of the brain. Functions in the parietal lobe start to change, which changes your perception of yourself and the people you interact with.

By holding a positive view of yourself will bias you toward seeing the good in others, whereas a negative self-image will include you toward suspicion and doubt. Over time the structure of your thalamus will also change in response to your conscious words, thoughts, and feelings, and we believe that the thalamic changes affect the way in which you perceive reality.”

Hence…

 

We approach life the way we view life.

A pessimist will never be satisfied, no matter what. They rarely see the opportunities laid at the doorstep and will envy those who succeed and spout off, “They were just lucky.”

I know this because I was born a pessimist and my upbringing only reinforced it.

The thing is, our self-chatter is ruthless, especially if we don’t see ourselves valuable in the first place.

And the filters are not just internally directed but are projected onto others, and those closest to us feel the effects acutely.

But…it’s in our DNA to be pessimistic. To be on the lookout for the lion that we know is hiding to devour us. Today, no kitty from the Savanna is stalking us, but the lions we fear are from disapproval of our peers, abandonment; fear of failure, and even success.

If there’s been setbacks, breakups, or ‘perceived’ failures, our self-talk can become a self-fulfilling prophecy going forward, and the words we speak can corkscrew us into the dirt before we even get out of bed in the morning.

Just like when I used to utter, “Fuck me,” in the mornings. The whole day was clouded, shapeless, full of dread, no one to be trusted, and it would’ve been better had I not woke up at all.

Our tongues are like a rudder on a large ship that can turn its course 180 degrees…if we want.

 

Feed yourself living, healing words, then see what happens

Someone mentioned to me that the first thing they say to themselves the moment they wake up is, “It’s going to be a wonderful day.” They said it changed their outlook toward life and their struggles throughout the day seemed to be lessen.

That came to me at a time when I was open and ready for some drastic changes in my life.

But being a diehard pessimist, I had a hard time believing that just waking up in the morning like Julie Andrews singing a tune out the window was going to change anything. Honestly, it sounded stupid at first.

As I said, I was open, maybe not quite a believer, but open.

I gave it a try for a few days. I started the morning by saying, “This is going to be a great day.”

In full transparency here, because of a long pattern and habit that I had built into my psyche of verbalizing Fuck me the moment I came to on the pillow, I actually had to force myself not to drop the F bomb and think of a positive thing to say.

After a few days of doing this, I noticed that by the time I stumbled into the bathroom, a subtle change had taken place. I actually believed that the morning was going to be okay. Maybe my life didn’t suck so bad after all.

That small step led me to start verbalizing other things along the way, such as looking in the mirror and telling myself, “I love you.” That was really tough at first.

That led to replacing “Oh shit” when something didn’t work out to my expectations with “It’s going to be okay.”

That led to placing a quote by Marcus Aurelius on my bathroom mirror and reading it out loud every time I saw it…

“When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive—to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.”

I inadvertently proved to myself without knowing what research has already told us (effects on self-talk & performance and self-talk in reducing stress) that speaking words to yourself such as, “You can do this”, or “It’s okay, you got this” can bolster your ability to overcome obstacles and reduce anxiety.

AND! I didn’t become a Pollyanna; denying harsh realities of life by being overly cheerful and exceedingly optimistic—ignoring life’s challenges.

Sure, there are days that still stink…that’s life—no other way to put it.

But even those challenging days are nowhere near the dark pit I used to drive myself into with the negative words I clung to.

As time has marched on since I incorporated this into a morning habit, I have made some pretty incredible changes in my life that have resulted in a more peaceful way of being and a far more optimistic approach to life. It’s as if I raised my emotional baseline.

There is no one key that will unlock the door to a better life; instead it’s a series of steps, a tool chest full of the right tools, and wisdom gained in a life lived that helps us to become better and to unlock opportunities; to position ourselves on the threshold of success…if we want to.

Our lives are such a subjective thing, mostly made up of our own internal narrative, which makes up how we view life. And how we view life is how we’ll go about living.

Speak to yourself kind words, coaching yourself through difficult times with I got this, and I’ll figure this out, AND in a gentler way…and see what happens.


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Posted by Christian Martin Jr. in Change, Intentional Living, Life Hack, Living Better, Self, Self-Improvement, 0 comments